Sweetness of Bitterness

Chapter 1: The Eternal Confusion

Maybe, it is really natural for a person to question, "Why am I living? Why do I exist? Why do I have to live?" You, yourself, might encounter this kind of question in mind especially when you are experiencing a lot of struggles in life.

I hate myself and I hate people to stare at me. I felt very embarrassed with myself. Why is it hard for me to trust people then? How did it start? Why am I feeling so different among other kids? Why am I longing for so much something I do not know? Why? Why? Why am I asking these questions to myself? Where are my friends? Who are my friends? I really hate of being a human.

I used to wake up at the middle of the night by the noises I usually hear downstairs of familiar voices. I hate waking up on a sudden moment where I can only hear sounds which I really don't like. The voices of doubts, jealousy and brokenness are used to cover up the walls. I feel very naked. Every time I walk on the street, I always see the taunting eyes of people around me. So, I walk with a mask on my face trying to be with those other kids. I feel no love of them. I feel no acceptance but all rejections. With the doubts in mind I asked the moon, "Am I that so much important to live?" No one wants to hear my voice so I just keep the words of longing on my pocket but it became soon the words of bitterness and revenge, trying to gain strength to fight for the reason I should stand. But who has so much great courage to fight as a warrior if you do not have people to help you. I have no one but myself.  Even if I die, surely, no one cares for me. So I take the knife and try to pierce it deep into my stomach until such thought came to me, "The greatest revenge that I should have is to study hard so that people can see that I am not actually the one they think I am but I am of who I am." I started then to think of my siblings. I became brighter in thought than before. I began to talk with others with such humor I do not know where it came from. I just want to live like what my neighbors are. But with the happiness I have now, comes the chaos.  The precious frame of the family has now gone and faded. More than the thought of brokenness that people think, I unreasonably hated my father. I only see the good words of my mother for I am just innocent and nothing to reason out why these things are happening.